Hey all, I just wanted to write something less about updating you and more about something I feel like God is doing in my heart and is something important for all of us to wrestle with if it is going on in our lives. I feel like something I have struggled with even since coming to do SBS, maybe even more than just about any other time in my life is unbelief. There is this wrestling within me of the reality of God. I have seen him speak to me, I have experienced his reality in my life on many occasions, but so often, it is difficult to believe. In Mark 9 there is a story of a man whose son has an unclean spirit. The man comes to Jesus and begs him to heal his son, the man tells Jesus, if you can do this, you should heal him. Jesus almost sarcastically seems to say 'if you can?' Jesus says that all things are possible for the one who believes. The man immediately cries out to Jesus, I believe; help my unbelief! I often feel like that man. I can very often feel like this man. Part of the reason I share this is because I want to be open with you all, but there is another point to this also. For a long time in my life, I feel like I have struggled to really commit to anything. If it was short term, maybe I'll commit or if it doesn't take a lot of my time, but it is something that I really haven't done well in. To give you an idea, as most of you know, the first school I did was DTS or Discipleship Training School. The school I attended was about 5 months long. It took me over six months to finally fully commit to doing the school It took me longer to commit to the school than the school itself took. I began thinking about doing DTS in September or October, I didn't commit until June of the following year. I share this because as most of you know, I am at another juncture in my life at this point in time. I began to pray about what was next and seek God and I never really heard anything from God so I took the next logical step and just figured, hey, I'll just choose to move back to Fargo and then I'll go from there, if I end up back in Taiwan, I end up back in Taiwan. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think that every time we make a decision in life there always has to be this clear plan laid out, but looking back, I feel like I was just doing what I wanted and felt comfortable with it and it fit into my plans. Now, I don't know what I will be doing come the time to go back to the States, I don't know for sure where I'm going to live and what exactly I'm going to do, but I have realized that I think part of the reason I have not made the decision is because the option I wanted to do was the comfortable option. If nothing else worked out I had a safety net and I feel like much of it boils down to unbelief in my heart that God is really here, that he really is who he says he is, and that he will really do what he says he is going to do.
The reality is, I, and we all need to be seeking God's heart for us and be willing to do what he has called us to do, even if it is not popular with the people around us. If God has called us to something, we need to do it, no matter how difficult it seems or how contrary to what the rest of the world is telling us, even sometimes members of the church. I tell you this to share with you from my own life and to share with you some of the struggles that I am going through, but I also tell you this to tell you what I believe to be the root often is of not stepping out in faith to do what God has called us to do, and I think it boils down to unbelief in many cases. Unbelief that Jesus still really still speaks to us. Unbelief that he will call us out of our comfortable plans for our own lives. In my case even sometimes, unbelief that He's even here even after the incredible things I have seen him do in my life as well as in the lives of others. As Christians, we can't settle for just our lukewarm lives. We can't settle for living in stagnance. We need to be people who walk boldly knowing that God does speak to us and as we see and know that our God lives, that our God is with us and he will guide us every step of the way, we will be obedient to walk as he is calling us to walk and do what he is calling us to do and we are not to deal with our unbelief by trying harder. We are to cry out to Jesus as the man in that story in Mark 9 did. We need to cry out to Jesus and tell him I believe! Help my unbelief!
The reality is, I, and we all need to be seeking God's heart for us and be willing to do what he has called us to do, even if it is not popular with the people around us. If God has called us to something, we need to do it, no matter how difficult it seems or how contrary to what the rest of the world is telling us, even sometimes members of the church. I tell you this to share with you from my own life and to share with you some of the struggles that I am going through, but I also tell you this to tell you what I believe to be the root often is of not stepping out in faith to do what God has called us to do, and I think it boils down to unbelief in many cases. Unbelief that Jesus still really still speaks to us. Unbelief that he will call us out of our comfortable plans for our own lives. In my case even sometimes, unbelief that He's even here even after the incredible things I have seen him do in my life as well as in the lives of others. As Christians, we can't settle for just our lukewarm lives. We can't settle for living in stagnance. We need to be people who walk boldly knowing that God does speak to us and as we see and know that our God lives, that our God is with us and he will guide us every step of the way, we will be obedient to walk as he is calling us to walk and do what he is calling us to do and we are not to deal with our unbelief by trying harder. We are to cry out to Jesus as the man in that story in Mark 9 did. We need to cry out to Jesus and tell him I believe! Help my unbelief!
Thanks for sharing this and your heart, Travis. It's an honor to hear these real things you're wresting with. I've been thinking about doubt recently, too. This may be a bit different from what you're sharing or learning..but for me, I think even more important than having all of the answers or the "perfect" faith to overcome my unbelief...is that even IN my unbelief and doubt, I will still choose to commit to Jesus. Peace, brother!
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